Ten Good Reasons to Ban Guns

Ten Good Reasons To Ban Guns.
1. Guns are used in self-defense over 2 million times a year. However, this makes the attempted crime a “non-event,” which necessarily complicates the Police investigation. Without civilian ownership of guns, these Police investigations would not have been compromised. Civilians should leave crime prevention to the Police, who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime’s completion.

2. Some .004 % (4/1000 of 1%) of guns are used in crime each year. This is way too high. All guns should be banned.

3. Guns are unnecessary. In 98% of civilian gun defenses, no shot is fired. If you are not going to fire a shot, you clearly don’t need a gun. This proves that the guns are unnecessary. Banning guns will prevent these unnecessary defenses.

4. Guns cause criminal migration. In tough gun-law Washington, D. C., violent crime rates are very high. This high crime rate is caused by the migration of criminals from gun havens like Virginia. This migration is caused by the criminal’s cowardly avoidance of armed householders and concealed-carry civilians. This criminal migration is detrimental to helpless unarmed citizens in no-gun areas and must be stopped. Therefore, guns should be banned everywhere.

5. Most gun crimes are committed by inner city gangs and drug dealers. These relatively small and geographically restricted groups consistently commit the majority of gun crimes, which usually peak as turf wars erupt over Drug War changes. The best way to prevent this is by denying guns to all law abiding people everywhere.

6. No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder. The Police will protect women by investigating the crime after the fact. Remember, Police paperwork is all the protection anyone really needs.

7. Guns owners are disrespectful of authority. Good citizens should completely rely on the authorities. A failure to do so is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. Failure to completely and absolutely trust and depend on the authorities is excessive democracy and sends a bad message to children.

8. Guns owners engaging in self-defense are taking the law into their own hands. This is wrong. Only the Police and Criminals have the right to take the law into their own hands. Guns should be kept out of the hands of law abiding citizens.

9. Children and young people should remain ignorant about guns. Real guns and real gun knowledge dissipate the fantasies created by violent video games and TV. Ignorance, once lost, can never be restored and needs to be protected. Not to mention the lost sales of all the violent movies, TV shows, video games, etc!

10. Guns reduce people’s reliance on the Police and Government. This fosters a mistaken belief in “rights”. No person has the right to question authority. No person should be less than 100% dependent on authority. This is fundamental to social order. Banning guns will help to establish the Order the authorities want. This is good.

A satire by Bruce Gold.


July 17, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The Ant and the Grasshopper



Two Different Versions! …………….. Two Different Morals!



OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.


Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.


The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.




MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!



And now for the MODERN version…



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant ‘s house where the news stations film the group singing, ‘We shall overcome.’

Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back ofthe grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2012.

November 16, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Marquis… Still in our hearts

Saw this blog post via twitter and had to share it with everyone.


October 21st, 2009 12:56pm

One theory about the pigeon

by Instant.Raiders

Three days after the Raiders’ 13-9 victory over Philadelphia, people – media, fans, even players – were still talking about the pigeon. Or rather, The Pigeon. He may be on his way to surpassing the birds killed by Dave Winfield and Randy Johnson as the most famous in sports history. Larry Bird doesn’t count.

In case you missed it, a pigeon decided he (no, I don’t know for certain it’s a he, but I’m going to avoid the awkwardness of gender-neutrality here) would be Raiders’ 12th man on Sunday. He loitered around the line of scrimmage all afternoon and got his beak into several plays. Watching from the press box, at least half a dozen times I thought a player’s shoe had flown off, only to realize it was the pigeon, flapping to narrowly avoid a collision.

The most amazing sight came when the bird flew downfield on a Raiders kickoff – in formation, on the left flank of the coverage team, right next to Michael Huff.

Injured tackle Cornell Green has a theory: “That’s Marquis,” he said in the locker room today. “That’s the position he played (on kickoff).”

Marquis, of course, is Marquis Cooper, the Raiders special-teamer who died at sea when his fishing boat overturned in stormy seas in the Gulf of Mexico on Feb. 28. One friend survived the ordeal, but Cooper and two others were never found.

Apparently, Green isn’t the only one convinced Cooper has come back as a pigeon to help his old team. Another player said he spoke to Cooper’s mother after the game, and she posited the same notion. Whoever the pigeon is, he should be invited back for the Jets game.


I really liked this blog and honestly wish I would have thought of it first… But I did photoshop a picture the other night. Maybe I should change it to #95

October 22, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Everything I Needed to Know I Leared from Star Wars

This is very long but very funny. I have been on a Star Wars kick lately on twitter and found this email I got from so long ago I had to share it.

Never trust men in dark helmets.

It really isn’t necessary to be fluent in over 6
million forms of communication.

Get some travel information before heading off to a
place that you have never even heard of.

When all else fails….jump!

Sometimes, you’ve just gotta do something that seems
totally suicidal.

If you are a young hero, nothing can kill you.

Always check the background of people you want to get
intimately involved with, they may be your relatives.

You may have family members in surprisingly high

Before you kill someone make sure they aren’t your

Watch out for Corellian freighters diving out of the

If your ever in a space craft, watch out for potatoes.

Know the difference between power socket and a
computer terminal.

Never declare that there is “nothing to stop [you]
this time.”

If your vehicle is being rammed, ducking doesn’t help

THIS one goes here, THAT one goes there!

No matter how tasty that hunk of meat looks on that
pole on that forest moon, don’t grab it; it’s probably
a trap. (Or: when you see a piece of dead meat impaled
on a stake in the woods, LEAVE IT!!!!!!!!!)

Cute, cuddly, widdle teddy bears usually will eat you
alive unless you can prove you’re a god.

Never stand on a trapdoor leading to a Rancor pit.

No disintegrations.

If you’re running from the law, hide in a building and
lock the door. They may decide to move on to the next
one. Otherwise, hope they don’t have blasters.

If it’s, like, -50 degrees out, and the doors are
going to close, come in out of the cold. The meteor
will still be there tomorrow.

Take a good look around for bad guys before looking
into your binoculars.

Fire on a rebel base *before* they blow up your space

Don’t assume a senior citizen is weak and frail; they
may zap you with lightning bolts.

Never, never, never underestimate the power of the
Dark Side

You will find many of the truths we cling to depend
greatly on our own point of view

No matter how deeply one falls into darkness, there is
always hope for redemption

Just when you think there is no more hope, alas, there
is one more.

Scoundrel kiss better than nice guys.

Never call someone “scruffy looking”

Be careful of your overconfidence, it may really be
your weakness

Never judge a “piece of junk” spaceship from the
outside. More often than not, “she’s got it where it

Your eyes decieve you, don’t trust them.

The Bad Guys can’t hit the broad side of a barn.

Beware of judging someone else’s beliefs as just a
“hokey religion.” You just may end up eating those

Never buy anything from a short, hooded, smelly guy.

It’s never my fault.

Never judge anything by its size.

There are those who are less forgiving than Darth

Always let a Wookie win.

Never cast your lightsaber away, you just might need

It not a good idea to follow up on a vision while

Nothing is ever to small to get away from you (R2 in

Whining about something never helps (Toshi Station in

Taking your droids to a bar will only arouse suspision

Don’t leave your food out for others to eat (ROTJ)

Don’t attempt to handcuff someone larger than you
(Chewie in ANH)

It is not always neccessary to ignore the annoying
(3PO in ESB)

Always pay off your debts in a hurry

If your in it just for the money, you might blow your
chances with the princess

It is pointless to argue with family members (Owen in

In negotiations, a thermal detonator can come in handy

When your ship is about to be destroyed by an AT-AT
don’t try to say the guy behind you, just grab your
stuff get away.

Be cautious of “friends” offering refreshments

If some yells out “It’s a trap!” then believe them

DON’T go in any CAVES!

Watch your hands when swordfighting.

Short green guys with big ears can be more than they

Wading around in a pool of garbage is infinitely more
preferable to getting killed.

Electricity really *hurts*.

The most important part of your spaceship is the

Maybe we SHOULD listen to the protocol droid just this

Pay your debts on time, you can’t always kill the bill

Walk in single file to hide your numbers.

When buying used appliances make sure they’ve been
totally mind wiped… er… reconditioned.

When wearing stormtrooper armor, remember to make sure
the door’s completely open before going through it.

Trust yourself.

Never tell someone the odds!

Never allow yourself to become as clumsy as you are

It’s not wise to upset a Wookie

Always accept apologies.

Sometimes it’s better to fly into an asteroid field.

When offered promotion under duress, it might be wise
to make like a tree and get outta there!

Never trust a spokesman for an alcoholic malt
beverage. (Or: Don’t trust people who appear in Colt
.45 commercials. Or: NEVER accept an invitation to
have a drink or eat with MR. Colt 45 himself–it may
just be a setup.)

Hokey religions just might be a good substitute for a
blaster at your side

Never let your friend know if you’re having problems
with your droid.

Never assume that carbonating someone is “all too

Never tell strange creatures in a bar that you’ll be

Just when you think you’re ready, you hit your head.

When you protest about the terms of an agreement, the
terms might be altered further.

You never know what a day is gonna bring….

After spending several months in deep-frost, your
vision will be blurry

When in doubt, follow the garbage

Size matters not (now there’s one you can use in real

“Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.”

“Mind what you have learned, save you it can.”

Even if it’s a great shot, don’t get cocky.

Don’t intimidate, annoy, or otherwise attack any kind
of old man, or his friends, who has what appears to be
a flashlight hanging from his waist.

Never build a secret base in cold, arctic regions

Be prepared for things to go wrong

Never let a protocol droid try to fix your ship!!!!

Never trust a strange computer.

You’ll always have a bad feeling about somethiing

Don’t park in asteroids

Bacta cures all

Don’t try to make friends via the Death Star com-link
(Han Solo only)

Never proclaim your “moment of triumph” before it
actually happens

If “the Force is strong in this one” and you’re not,

The targeting computer is really a worthless piece of
junk compared to the Force

The Dark Side is never irrevocable

Never say “watch this” when dealing with a hyperdrive

When bragging about how fast your car is, tell how
many “kilometers” you did the DC run in…..

Always change the negative power coupling before going
on long space voyages.

Remember to TURN ON YOUR COMLINK!!!!

Don’t shoot out the controls to a bridge BEFORE you
cross the bridge

Make sure to tell your lover that you have a brother

Never tell a teacher who’s been teaching for 800 years
who to teach and who not to teach.

“It’s not my fault!!!”

Don’t ever fake left, you’ll lose a hand

If you want to keep your friends warm, shove them
inside a dead animal!!

Never leave tools hanging over a friends head unless
the ship is parked.

If a droid sneaks up on you while you’re kissing a
princess, ignore him.

When parking your spaceship, make sure you aren’t in
the stomach of a huge worm-like monster.

If all else fails, angle the deflector shields.

Never buy droids.

If you ever buy droids, make sure they have a good

If a R2 unit proves to have a bad motivator, do not
buy another one

If you really have to buy one, then do NOT remove his
restraining bolt

If, in spite of all that, you have removed the
restraining bolt, then you will have to learn the ways
of the Force and become a Jedi like your father (even
if you only wanted to be a mere space pilot)

Guys in black are bad guys

Guys in white can also be bad guys (in this case, they
are called stormtroopers)

Beware of transparent or holographic persons, they
will always cause you trouble (“This droid must be
safely delivered to Alderaan”, “You will go to the
Dagobah system”, “The son of Skywalker must not become
a Jedi”, …)

Watch out for those trees.

After toppling an altrustic democracy, seizing control
of the military, and establishing yourself as supreme
dictator, it’s a good idea to invest in helmets that
your troops can see through.

Always duck after throwing someone down a ventilation

If you run a military academy, go over how to deal
with small, furry opponents.

Don’t jump down garbage chutes.

If your father’s clothes creak when he walks, be
diplomatic in his presence.

Don’t engage in physical displays of affection with
tall, hairy people who could rip you limb from limb
and who get over-enthusiastic.

The hard part of a jail-break is getting out; plan for

Always look for trap doors when consulting with a
crime lord in his own house.

Whining about power converters makes you look like an

Don’t trust people who brag about the speed of their
vehicle to be subtle, and don’t trust them with your
sister, either.

If you teach out of a swamp, you can’t expect too much
in the way of tuition.

People who are “more machine now than human, evil and
twisted” set a pretty sparse table.

If you’re idea of penetrating the enemy’s defenses is
allowing yourself to be captured and attacking during
your execution, you should probably seek the advice of
someone who’s survived longer.

If somebody cuts your hand off, don’t trust him to
betray his boss for you.

Young men should be wary of getting involved with
crazy, old hermits who like to be called “Master.”

Dead animals usually smell worse on the INSIDE

If you find Banthas, don’t stick around to see where
their riders are.

Cold weather can cause one to hallucinate.

Don’t go chasing falling meteors.

Make sure you always see where your enemies hands are
(Greedo in ANH)

Blowing on a torch will not put it out.

Don’t stick around to watch a fight

Droids don’t taste good.

Don’t use technology you don’t understand (Ewoks w/
AT-ST, speeder bike)

No matter how protected you are, falling rocks will
still hurt.

When following a roguish space pirate into the east
corridor (or wherever), step onto a plank when he
stops to listen to you so you’ll be a little taller.

Never trust strangers to fix the hyperdrive on your

Never assume that that ship you just tractored into
your space station is empty, just because your sensors
say so.

When the people around you are getting shot, it’s
usually an indication that the guys shooting are bad
guys. (take a look at the reactions of the troopers in
the cell bay in ANH)

Never try to rationalize strategy with an Ewok. Next
thing you know, they’ll steal a speeder bike. Sure, it
distracts the guards, but it takes away from you
sneaking in real quiet-like.

Never chain a rebel to you and then take your eyes off
her; she may throttle you.

Aim your crippled fighter at the nearest Super Star
Destroyer’s bridge.

Never assume responsibility if it means you’re likely
to be choked to death.

That green glop your aunt serves you at dinner is good
for you (ANH).

Don’t talk to strangers in a dark room: they may have
blasters, and are looking to not be found (ESB).

Pray Lord Vader doesn’t alter a deal any further than
he already has. Chances are he will, but arguing is a
good way to get you killed.

When your Tauntaun smells something, it’s usually a
good time to high-tail it outta there.

Always convince your astromech droid to not try to
restraining green senior citizens with big ears; they
may start banging on you with their Gimer stick.

When someone says they knew your father was a great
warrior, it usually means something important. Take
notice: they just gave you one hell of a big hint
about who they are. (sheesh, these farmboys today…)

Always allow your opponent to cut you down if it means
making things more dramatic.

When said guy gets cut down, try not to stand around
screaming. Try blasting something… like a door.

Don’t turn your back on the parent of the kid you’re
zapping with lightning bolts.

If the guy you love announces he’s leaving, don’t say
something like “That’s right.”

Make sure you aren’t so fat you can’t get away from an
exploding Sail Barge.

If your translator droid pisses you off, just plug him
into the hyperdrive. Either that or just shut him off.

Try not to fly side-by-side when flying through a
narrow passage. (ANH & ESB)

If you’ve got a malfunction you can’t do much good to
anyone, so clear out of the attack on that giant space

When someone tells you to eject, it’s probably a good

Never try to blast a garbage compactor’s walls—they
are magnetically sealed!!!!!

I’d just as soon kiss a Wookie!!!

Don’t ever leave without giving a goodbye kiss!!!!!

Let go of your conscious self and rely on instinct!!!!

The target area is ONLY two meters wide!!!!!

If a Jedi offers you a bargain, TAKE IT!!

You shouldn’t always listen to your parents.

Sometimes it is smart to listen to little green

You really should fire on lifepods whether there are
signs of life or not (to stormtroopers only).

When a Hutt tells you that your Jedi mind tricks won’t
work, believe him.

When you say that you are “ready for anything,”
actually be ready for anything (like two guys trying
to pick a fight).

If your ship is bigger than a city, don’t bring it
into an asteroid field.

Don’t give into your anger.

Grasping at your throat will not stop the choking.

Freezing people in liquid carbonite makes a good wall

Never torture a power droid…

You should always have a co-pilot that speaks a
language that only you understand.

Don’t taunt those on the Dark Side of the Force.

Sometimes it is better not to apologize or take the

Make sure that you can see clearly before firing a

When pulled over by “the man”, simply say, you don’t
need to see his identification. These aren’t the
droids you’re looking for. Move along. It works
everytime, I guarantee it!!!

If you ever build a throne room, NEVER put a great big
shaft leading to a big nuclear reactor right in the
center of the room.

Never make your droids OR your sister do your dirty

“A party of two can be very effective in chasing down
a squad of stormtroopers.”

When you are told to close the blast doors, DON’T DO

“Away put your weapon, I mean you no harm.”

When rescuing someone formulate an escape plan
_before_ you attempt the rescue.

No reward is worth rescuing a girl, princess or not,
who leads you into garbage and calls your best friend
and first mate a “walking carpet”.

If you have the money, stop telling Jabba and just pay

Never accept a job that reports directly to Darth

Armor just makes you easier to hit

Get in that chute, flyboy!

Buying someone a drink won’t stop them from trying to
fight you

Don’t judge someone by their bad grammer

An entire planet could have only one climate
(Tatooine, Hoth, Endor)

Beware of tremors in the Force

Protocol droids are lousy story tellers

Apparently one human would be able to feed an entire
tribe of Ewoks

It’s difficult to send a clear transmission in an
asteroid field

When travelling at intense speeds, don’t turn around
and look behind you

A lightsaber can cut through anything (from Taun-taun
to AT-AT)

Even in a galaxy far, far away… Tupperware is still
being used (ANH)

Try not to get caught under the legs of an AT-AT

Imperial probe droids have a self destruct mechanism

If you do not believe, you will always fail

Tennis shoes make great fighting ships (RotJ)

Stormtroopers seem to have inferior training and armor

Everything has a weakness, it’s just a matter of
exploiting it

Emperor – overconfident

Luke – friends

Death Star – thermal exhaust port

Stormtroppers – Ewoks

Star Destoyers – bridge deflector shields

Darth Vader – compasion for his kids

Leia – smugglers

Chewie – dead animals hanging from trees

Threepio – frail body

When flying objects come at you from behind, for
pete’s sake, DUCK!!!!!!

When stealing a skiff, MAKE SURE it’s the one with the
magnetic thingies on the bottom!!!

If you are ever in a duel, and you get in a tight
spot, grab the nearest pipe and blow smoke in their
face—–never fails.

Learn Ubese, you never know when you might need it!!!!

NEVER try to put binders on someone who is 7’2″, big,
furry and has big teeth!!!

If you get an unwanted phone call, shoot the phone.

Never let Mr. GQ smooth borrow your vehicle,
especially after he says not a scratch.

If you build a death star and some farm boy blows it
up, just build a new one!!!!!!!

If you see a small blue elephant at a party, you
haven’t necessarily drunk too much.

Watch out for stormtroopers that are a little short.

Your Tauntaun’ll freeze before you reach the first

…But if so, then I’ll see you in hell!

The middle of a raging battle for the fate of the
galaxy is no time for heroics.

A ill-trained, uncoordinated, rabble with obselete
ships and weapons (Rebels) would always beat well
equipped, superbly trained and numerically superior
forces(Empire) 🙂

Boys from backwater farming planets are better shots
then imperial stormtroopers.

When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will

Beware those heart-to-heart talks with Dad. One of you
might end up losing an appendage.

When sending troops out to a jungle world, MAKE SURE
they are all wearing black and white, so nobody can
see them.

Adventure, excitement, a jedi craves not these things!

Try not to look to the future, keep your mind on where
you are and what you are doing.

Don’t ever give any lip to an old man who has yellow
eyes and shoots lightning out of his own body.

Never say to someone, “where are you taking
this—THING—?” b/c the next thing you know, you’re
flying across the room.

Stay on target!!!!

Keep your distance, but don’t LOOK like you’re trying
to keep your distance. (In other words, fly casual.)

When purchasing a protocol droid, remember, at some
point some assembly may be required.

When based on an ice planet, don’t turn on the thermal

“Never travel the Jundland Wastes lightly”

“Never listen to your squad commander when he tells
you to ‘stay on target’ and Darth vader is chasing you
in a TIE fighter

“If you are a droid, be sure to have you deactivator
put on your front side, not behind your neck”

“Always follow the advice of an aide with long

Make sure your first catch of the day isn’t backed up
by a really big ion cannon.

Don’t be thinking about your sister during a big fight
with Dad.

Make sure your rocket pack isn’t set to go off at the
slightest touch before leaping into battle.

When you’re with a woman you like, never get too
obnoxious, or she’ll french the next nearest guy (even
if it’s her brother).

No matter how cool a guy’s helmet looks, push him off
a high place and he’ll scream like a girl.

“Travel through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops.”

Bury your feelings deep. (They do you credit, but they
could be made to serve the Emperor.)

Your insight serves you well.

Try to keep a little optimism–especially if you’re
endangering a mission that you shouldn’t have come on.

Just “hold on” when your pilot tells you to. (Dak
didn’t hold on. Look what happened to him!)

Remember, your strength *flows* from the Force.

Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it
dominate your destiny.

You can’t escape your destiny

If you buy equipment out of the back of a guy’s
vehicle, chances are, someone will come looking for

Cool costume + Bare minimum of screen time = Eternal

The only thing worse than working for a Hutt crimelord
is working for a Dark Lord of the Sith.

When rescuing a princess, insist on payment in

When chasing X-wings down trenches, look behind you in
case their friends help them.

When a Wookiee says he smells something scary, believe

Fly only ships that have harpoon cable shooters in the
front (ESB)

Be sure your ship uses “quick release” seat belts

Fly only X-wings that float in case you land in a
swamp (ESB)

Do your explaining BEFORE you remove the handcuffs off
of a Wookiee (ESB)

Fly your speeder bike ABOVE the trees in a forest

Leave the spying to Bothans (ROTJ)

Old Jedi never die, they just fade away.

Never scream when a friend evaporates, and you’re
trying to secretly take it back to a smugglers ship.

You must do what you feel is right.

Watch that crossfire, boys!!!

Always get them to put their hands ON the table . . .

Go to the escape shuttle when told that “The attack
plan has been analysed, and there is a risk”.

Smuggling compartments can also be great sub-lets

Patience… you must have Patience!

Sticks and Stones WILL Break your bones. (ROTJ)

Nothing can happen without a Bothan spy dying

These ARE the droids you are looking for, you idiots!

If you ever fall into a murky swamp with strange
things swimming in it, make sure you’re made of metal.

Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their
numbers, and they are rather inaccurate with blasters.

Remember to keep the lead actress’s character and real
name straight!!

You must feel the Force flowing through you. Let go of
your feelings.

When attemptng to launch a rock by twirling it over
your head, then leasing it, be sure you know how to do
it right (note to Wicket in ROTJ).

Those robot mice are pests. Trap them in mousetraps
and save yourself the hassle. Bits and bytes make good

Even if the Old Man does tell you to leave his throne
room, it’s usually a good idea to stick around, out of
sight: you never know when someone will throw him down
a large shaft. (note to Royal Guards)

Don’t try storming an Imperial base unless all of the
troopers have been accounted for.

Don’t argue with your friends when they tell you to
get into an escape pod.

Don’t use targeting computers; rely on the voice of an
old man inside our head.

When fighting a Corellian, 10 to 1 odds aren’t in your
favour (ANH).

When your protocol droid tries to tell you there is
something wrong with your YT-1300 freighter, listen to

If all else fails, drive headlong into an asteroid

When your shield generator is hit, intensify forward
shields a.s.a.p.: you never know when a ship may crash
into your bridge.

Get on board the Executor if possible. Chances are
Lord Vader will choke your superior to death and give
you the job.

A protocol droid who say’s he’s not much of a
storyteller is a liar. (remember C-3PO in ANH when
he’s in the oil bath, then in the Ewok village in

Make sexually tilted lines whenever possible. “Look at
the size of that thing!”

Adjoinder: Cut the chatter, Red Two.

Humans roasted over an open fire make for great

When two real scary guys in a bar (who look like they
fell out of the ugly tree and hit EVERY branch on the
way down) tell you they don’t like you, RUN!!!!!!!

Wampas blend in really, really well with snow.

You should always listen to a Jedi master when they
tell you something; they probably know what they are
talking about.

Corollary to above–Even Jedi can make mistakes

Pass on what you have learned

If you want someone done right, terminate her

It is impossible for a computer to hit a target that
is only two meters wide.

Don’t EVER go into a hole because if it gets mad
enough it might just try to EAT you.

Even if your walker looks exactly like all the rest,
the Ewoks won’t kill you.

It’s a good idea to make death stars out of the same
“magnetically shielded” walls in the garbage

Intensify forward batterys *before* the A-wing crashes
into the bridge.

If you’re struck down now, you’ll only become more
powerful than can possibly be imagined!

Enter the trench as close to the target as possible!
Don’t fly all the way around shooting it out!

Iguanas and boa constrictors live on Dagobah too!

You dont need tools to fix a protocol droid that has
been blasted to pieces.

Take an R-2 unit with you…its better than any Swiss
army knife

Shoot the barge at point blank while you are standing
on it…don’t use the force to pull the trigger.

Never but droids from Jawas

He’s no good to you dead.

Everyone “could use a good kiss!”

Don’t enter strange rooms just because you hear a
familiar voice…you could end up in pieces.

There isn’t always time to discuss things in a

Sometimes all it takes is one little rock-and a
jedi-to bring down a rancor.

and finally the most important ones….we all wish we
could have lived “A long time ago, in a galaxy far far
away.” Never underestimate the power of a Star Wars
fan…finally…. The Force is always with me

August 5, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

This one is for the ladies

Oh I am having major football fever lately. I LOVE football. LOVE it. Even more than I love politics. But it’s the off-season so it’s been nothing but politics lately. However, preseason is less than a month away and so here is my list of the top 20 hottest men in the NFL, in no particular order. Enjoy.

1. Ronde Barber

Current team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

2. Adrian Peterson

Current team: Minnesota Vikings

3. Jason Taylor

Current team: Miami Dolphins

4. Justin Fargas

Current team: Oakland Raiders

5. Brian Urlacher

Current team: Chicago Bears

6. Chad Ochocinco

Current team: Cincinnati Bengals

7. Adam Vinatieri

Current team: Indianapolis Colts

8. Brady Quinn

Current team: Cleveland Browns

9. Tony Gonzalez

Current team: Atlanta Falcons

10. Darren McFadden

Current team: Oakland Raiders

11. Lance Moore

Current team: New Orleans Saints

12. John Lynch

Current team: Denver Broncos

13. David Carr

Current Team: New York Giants

14. Jake Delhomme

Current team: Carolina Panthers

15. Neil Rackers

Current team: Arizona Cardinals

16. Reggie Bush

Current team: New Orleans Saints

17. Will Demps

Current Team: Houston Texans

18. Brett Favre

(Let me explain… he’s still “RETIRED” per say, but he’s supposed to sign with the Vikings… And he’s just too damn sexy not to include!)

Current team: Well… see above!

And call me crazy, but this has got to be one of the sexiest pictures of Favre. Salt-and-pepper look is hot!

19. Larry Johnson

Current team: Kansas City Chiefs

20. Matt Leinart

Current team: Arizona Cardinals

What can I say… I like older men 😉

July 15, 2009. football. 1 comment.

Dinner Roll

Another email… author unknown. Really liked this though.

Once upon a time, I was invited to the White House for a private dinner with
the President. I am a respected businessman, with a factory that produces
memory chips for computers and portable electronics. There was some talk
that my industry was being scrutinized by the administration, but I paid it
no mind. I live in a free country. There’s nothing that the government can
do to me if I’ve broken no laws. My wealth was earned honestly, and an
invitation to dinner with an American President is an honor.

I checked my coat, was greeted by the Chief of Staff, and joined the
President in a yellow dining room.  We sat across from each other at a table
draped in white linen. The Great Seal was embossed on the china. Uniformed
staff served our dinner.  The meal was served, and I was startled when my
waiter suddenly reached out, plucked a dinner roll off my plate, and began
nibbling it as he walked back to the kitchen.

“Sorry about that,” said the President. “Andrew is very hungry.”

“I don’t appreciate…” I began, but as I looked into the calm brown eyes
across from me, I felt immediately guilty and petty.. It was just a dinner
roll.  “Of course,” I concluded, and reached for my glass. Before I could,
however, another waiter reached forward, took the glass away and swallowed
the wine in a single gulp.

“And his brother Eric is very thirsty.” said the President.

I didn’t say anything. The President is testing my compassion, I thought. I
will play along. I don’t want to seem unkind.  My plate was whisked away
before I had tasted a bite.

“Eric’s children are also quite hungry.”

With a lurch, I crashed to the floor. My chair had been pulled out from
under me. I stood, brushing myself off angrily, and watched as it was
carried from the room.

“And their grandmother can’t stand for long.”

I excused myself, smiling outwardly, but inside feeling like a fool.
Obviously I had been invited to the White House to be sport for some game. I
reached for my coat, to find that it had been taken. I turned back to the

“Their grandfather doesn’t like the cold.”

I wanted to shout – that was my coat! But again, I looked at the placid
smiling face of my host and decided I was being a poor sport. I spread my
hands helplessly and chuckled. Then I felt my hip pocket and realized my
wallet was gone. I excused myself and walked to a phone on an elegant side
table. I learned shortly that my credit cards had been maxed out, my bank
accounts emptied, my retirement and equity portfolios had vanished, and my
wife had been thrown out of our home. Apparently, the waiters and their
families were moving in. The President hadn’t moved or spoken as I learned
all this, but finally I lowered the phone into its cradle and turned to face

“Andrew’s whole family has made bad financial decisions. They haven’t
planned for retirement, and they need a house. They recently defaulted on a
subprime mortgage. I told them they could have your home. They need it more
than you do.”

My hands were shaking. I felt faint. I stumbled back to the table and knelt
on the floor. The President cheerfully cut his meat, ate his steak and drank
his wine.

I lowered my eyes and stared at the small grey circles on the tablecloth
that were water drops.

“By the way,” He added, “I have just signed an Executive Order nationalizing
your factories. I’m firing you as head of your business. I’ll be operating
the firm now for the benefit of all mankind.  There’s a whole bunch of
Eric’s and Andrews out there and they can’t come to you for jobs groveling
like beggars.”

I looked up. The President dropped his spoon into the empty ramekin which
had been his crème brulee. He drained the last drops of his wine.

As the table was cleared, he lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair.
He stared at me. I clung to the edge of the table as if were a ledge and I
were a man hanging over an abyss. I thought of the years behind me, of the
life I had lived. The life I had earned with a lifetime of work, risk and
struggle. Why was I punished? How had I allowed it to be taken? What game
had I played and lost? I looked across the table and noticed with some
surprise that there was no game board between us.  What had I done wrong?

As if answering the unspoken thou ght, the President suddenly cocked his
head, locked his empty eyes to mine, and bared a million teeth, chuckling
wryly as he folded his hands.

“You should have stopped me at the dinner roll,” he said.

Wake up, America !

July 12, 2009. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

But it’s ok when you do it?

I gotta get serious for a minute. My previous blogs have all been pretty “fun and entertaining” but something has been weighing on my heart pretty heavily.

I work at a small loan company that is in a “not so nice” part of town, per say and I have customers of all races but the large majority of my customers are black. I enjoy my job, despite having to sue people and argue from time to time but most of my customers are very nice and cooperative.

One instance though, I was arguing with a black customer of mine because she was two months past due on her loan. She kept promising to pay me and repeated broken promises lead me to threaten her with a law suit. We argued back and fourth about payment arrangements and how she couldn’t pay me because of whatever reasons. I said something along the lines of “If you don’t catch your loan up by this Friday, I will be forced to file a lawsuit against you.” She cursed me, threw a fit, etc… but as she was leaving I heard her mutter “You f*cking honky!”

Uh… excuse me?

I don’t think so.

I still can’t believe that happened. Now I’m not one to take things too seriously sometimes and “racist” comments don’t bother me too much. Hell it doesn’t relly happen often, as well it shouldn’t. But I have come to notice a “trend” if you will of racist comments by blacks towards whites, but people don’t FIND it racist. Why is that? I would never DREAM of using the “N” word to somebody! First off you’re asking for an ass whoopin, second off it’s WRONG, and lastly it’s just plain rude.

This is an email I have gotten a few times, and I would like to share it with you. It has a bit of truth to it.

You call me “Cracker”, “Honkey”, “Whitey”, “Gringo” and you think it’s OK.

…But when I call you Kike, sand nigger, rag head ,Towelhead, WOP, Camel Jockey, Gook, nigger, slant eyes, porch monkey or Chink you call me a racist.

-You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

-You have the United Negro College Fund.
-You have Martin Luther King Day.
-You have Black History Month.
-You have Cesar Chavez Day.
-You have Yom Hashoah
-You have Ma’uled Al-Nabi
-You have the NAACP.
-You have BET.

-If we had WET(white entertainment television) …we’d be racist.
-If we had a White Pride Day… you would call us racist.
-If we had white history month… we’d be racist.
-If we had an organization for only whites to “advance” our lives… we’d be racist.
-If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships…you know we’d be racist.
-In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights…you would call us racist.
-Did you know that some high school students decided to make a club for only the white students because the other ethnicities had them… they all got sent to court for being racist but the African-American, Latino, and Asia clubs were not even questioned.
-You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you’re not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

The recent reverse of Sotomayor’s decision to let under qualified minorities to advance in their job was a major step in the right direction in my opinion.

Directly from http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/SCOTUS/story?id=7782103&page=1

In a decision that could have sweeping impact on employers across the nation, the Supreme Court ruled today that white and Hispanic firefighters in New Haven, Conn., were unfairly denied promotions because of their race, reversing a decision that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor endorsed as an appeals court judge.Splitting down ideological lines, the court ruled 5-4 that New Haven violated a landmark civil rights law when the city threw out the results of a promotions exam after it was determined that none of the black firefighters who took the test scored well enough to be promoted.

Here’s another personal race story that happened to me. I worked at McDonald’s for a few years during college to make some extra cash on the side. I had been there as a cashier for almost a year and a half. Employees come and go in fast food and I was one of the few that stuck it out and held on. About six months before I decided to quit, this Hispanic girl, Judith, started working with me. She was a very nice girl, respectful, kind, outgoing and we got along great. What irked me and ended our friendship is after five months of working with me (after I had trained her no less) she got promoted to management. Not because she did a better job, but because she was Hispanic. The other three managers that worked there were Hispanic as well. This girl could barely speak English, and yet she is now MY BOSS. That didn’t set well with me. I congratulated her but asked her why she took the position when she knew I was looking for management myself. She said, “Because if I don’t do it now, I won’t ever get promoted. You’re white.”

A few days later I quit and never looked back.

I’m not one to toy with confrontation, but I have been close a few times because of racism. I don’t like it no matter who you are, and I’m sure most of us agree with this. Not only is it considered a hate crime in most cases, it can get out of hand. Take this recent event for example.

On the fourth of July, nearly 50 blacks attacked a white family at Firestone Park in Ohio, yelling such things as “This is our world” and “This is a black world.” You can read the full story here: http://www.ohio.com/news/50172282.html

For the police to say they “aren’t ready to call it a racial hate crime” is asinine. This is a clear cut example of a racial hate crime, weather it is a gang initiation or not.

Hope and change, huh Obama?

July 10, 2009. politics. 3 comments.

Hmm… a bit of payback.


(and maybe some uptight conservatives with no sense of humor…)


Now that I have my warning label out of the way, I can continue.

No I’m not talking about the next stimulus Obama is wanting to pass… I’m talking about how Obama has GOT to be laughing behind America’s back by now.
I have collected, thanks to my WONDERFUL friends on twitter, a series of jokes and political cartoons and emails about Obama, Pelosi, Biden and the likes. Hope you enjoy.

(Note I did not make up any of these jokes or cartoons myself.)

Time  Warp
Over five  thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ” pick
up your  shovel , mount your asses and camels , and I will lead you to the
promise land”.

Nearly 75  years ago , Roosevelt said, ” Lay down your shovels , sit on
your asses  , and light up a camel , this is the promised land”.

Now Obama  is going to steal your shovel , kick your asses , Raise the
price of  camels , and mortgage the promised land.


The Marine

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.”

“We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.  I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!  He retaliated by yelling –“Oh yeah?  Well, so does Hillary Clinton!”
“And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands when a truck hit us.”


Postage Stamp Problems

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama but
the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional hearings,a special Presidential Commission presented the following findings:

The stamp is in perfect order.

There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

People are just spitting on the wrong side.



The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone’s surprise, all the color drained from Obama’s face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, ‘Just how many is a brazilian?’

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of a billion or trillion either.


Bad Day

When you are having a bad day and think you are having problems, just remember this:

Somewhere in this world there is a MR. PELOSI!


Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who’s hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle”.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with’.


New GM Car

In a special news conference yesterday, Government Motors announced it’s new concept car. The new GM proudly announces the 2010 Oldsmobile Obama.

This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two teleprompters, programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the “happy” democrat owners.


Soup Kitchen

Michelle Obama went to serve food to the homeless at a government funded soup kitchen.

Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter: $0.00

Having Michelle Obama serve your soup: $0.00

A homeless person receiving government funded meals while taking a picture of the first lady using his $500.00 Blackberry cell phone… $Priceless



Aaaaaaaaaaand last but not least…. I had to save this one for last… Seeing as my nickname is Black Widow and all, this made me laugh extra hard. Loved it.


Black Widow

Everyone needs to be aware and be very, very careful!

Very informative

The Black Widow….

This spider, one of only a few poisonous spiders in the USA , can be found all over the states of Missouri , Arkansas , Kentucky , and Tennessee .
The spider releases a neurotoxin into the victim that, if not treated, can cause death!

The Black widow hooks-up with the male then sucks the very life out of him after mating!

She’s very easy to spot…

The female has a very wide backside, is Black, and has a red hour glass shaped marking on her belly….

You can find this spider in:


Wood Piles

Under Beds

and now…



July 9, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

And the media ensues

I had to do it. As much as I don’t want to, I must.

All this talk about Michael Jackson has infuriated me. Normally, I could care less about a celebrity who has passed away, and while this is still the case, his death has completely changed the media as we know it. Not only has Obama’s socialist agenda been ignored (which surprises me still) but there are men and women who MEAN something to this country that are dying overseas for our freedom.

Now, some celebs I might actually be shocked if they died and be sad for the loss of them. Just to name a few: Robert Dinero, Anthony Hopkins, Brent Smith (the lead singer of Shinedown… he is an AMAZING person and spreads positive messages at his concerts), Michael Jordan, Tim Brown, John Madden…. the list could go on and on. These are famous people who have actually achieved things in life through hard work and failure as well as accomplishments. They aren’t into drugs (that I know of… or they’re clean now), they’re not constantly in the media for stupid shit, they’re not in legal battles for stupid shit…

Ok let me interrupt. I just checked my phone, I have service through Sprint, and there is a TV function on my phone. I clicked on it, clicked “live tv” because I wanted to watch soccer. Not only is there a special folder for the funeral for Michael Jackson, there are REPLAYS THROUGHOUT THE DAY!



Celebrities like MICHAEL JACKSON, Paris Hilton, Nichole Richie, O.J. Simpson, Lindsey Lohan, Adam “Pacman” Jones and the likes should not be held up on a pedestal by the media or anyone else!

I don’t want the United States to be represented by people, like those idiots, to the rest of the world. It makes us look bad. I guess what I’m trying to say is Michael Jackson was a druggie child molester that should not be held up on high. NO celebrity’s funeral should be covered by all major news networks. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

As I mentioned before, there are men and women dying overseas for our freedom. There are brainwashing bills being passed in the house and senate and the media sits there and says nothing about them, but doens’t miss a minute of Michael Jackson’s coverage. There are missiles being fired from NoKo and the media stands back and laughs. BHO and Hillary Clinton side with dictators in Russia and the media becomes pawns in his hands. Take this excerpt from his speech today:

“Now let me be clear: America cannot and should not seek to impose any system of government on any other country, nor would we presume to choose which party or individual should run a country. And we haven’t always done what we should have on that front. Even as we meet here today, America supports now the restoration of the democratically elected President of Honduras, even though he has strongly opposed American policies. We do so not because we agree with him. We do so because we respect the universal principle that people should choose their own leaders, whether they are leaders we agree with or not.”

taken from http://www.newsvine.com/_news/2009/07/07/3004185-obamas-speech-on-us-russia-relations

Uh… EXCUSE ME! I do NOT support any form of that statement whatsoever! Yes Obama was elected to represent our country, (I didn’t vote for him but whatever) but he’s not doing so well. Maybe the sheeple that follow him and worship the ground he walks on agree with him, but if you read my last blog, even some of the liberals are waking up and seeing the mess he is creating.

Obama is becoming too much of a celeberty. If it’s not about Michael Jackson, it’s about Obama. I know he’s our president, but there has to be SOMETHING else to report about! Hell I’d almost rather hear about burglaries and forest fires than Obama and his constant lies! Either way, I guess it’s pretty depressing, huh? HA.

Even Fox News who claims to be “fair and balanced” has been pissing me off lately. I’ve hidden the remote and I’m not going to watch news for a week. Seriously. Movies and shows are all good, but I refuse to watch the MSM for any news whatsoever. I’ll get my REAL news via internet and radio. I don’t care about Michael Jackson. Yes he was a great singer and dancer, but he was also a child molester, drug addict and a freak. The last time I saw this much media coverage over a dead celeb was Ronald Reagan, and to me that was worthy, but even still a bit too much.

The main stream media needs to remember how to report news, and not crap. I wonder if we all stopped tuning in if they would finally get the hint and get back to basics.

Doubt it.


July 7, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . politics. Leave a comment.

Oh blah blah blah…

Does anyone else get sick of listening to this guy?

This made me laugh so hard… (special thanks to @mozartrules for the vid link)

Anyhow, Barack Obama’s voice is like nails on a chalk board to me. So when it comes time to actually listening to the guy on important issues, it just about takes a gallon of pepto and a nausea pill to make me be able to stomach it.

Funny I mention “important issues” when to him all it seems like is a joke… I truly believe this guy has no interest in protecting this country. Obama has no backbone. If you were to take an X-Ray of him, there would be a stick extending from his posterior to his neck, which is why I think his ears stick out so damn far.

Health care! – lies

War Issues! – lies

No higher taxes! – major lie

Does the guy NOT lie about something? Sheesh I know there’s freedom of speech, but come on man!

Recently on the fourth of July, I got to talking politics with the friends I was with. Now, before the election they were all hard core set on voting for Obama and how he was “going to save us all” from Bush. Totally different change of heart. I was pleasantly surprised we weren’t slugging each other over view points. My liberal friends were all ashamed they voted for Obama. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM REGRETS VOTING FOR HIM AND FEELS BETRAYED FROM HIS LIES… If that doesn’t say something in a red state, I don’t know what does. His constant lies, his savvy attitude, his empty promises… all for what? A country that looks like a dead rat to other countries *cough NoKo cough* A country with the highest unemployment rate in over 26 years. A country that is up in arms and finally taking action. A country that hasn’t seen these dark of days since the 1920’s, and hopefully we won’t get that bad!

I can’t remember the last time a president was so controversial (minus Clinton, but his was the sex scandal) over policies.

Mr. Obama… it’s not all about being cool! We don’t care if you’re dressed nice, wear the right shoes or have the latest ray ban sunglasses. Just do the right thing and fix our country. So far you’re screwing it up! I feel sorry for whoever has to clean up your mess.

I’m fed up. Aren’t you?


July 6, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . politics. 2 comments.

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